orange juice and scrambled eggs

A long over-due update

2006-11-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

I guess it's a sign that it's been far too long since I've posted that I forgot my username for blogspot. The sad thing is that not that much has changed. I'm still working at Whole Foods (although as of this afternoon, I'm an official team member, Horray!). Kevin is still working temp jobs, waiting for a position to open up at Northwestern. More and more we are coming to terms with being in Chicago for a while, which wasn't necessarily the original plan. We still hate our apartment and can't wait until we can move, but at least it's not some of the other apartments we saw. Thursday, we are going up to Madison, Wisconson to visit Kevin's sister. It will be our first fully vegetarian Thanksgiving feast. It will be nice not to have to watch everyone chewing meat off the turkey carcass while we dive into a plate of mashed potatoes and corn. I'm responsible for the bread and the pie at our feast. It was nice to do some real baking again. Hopefully my attempt to freeze my unbaked pie won't result in disaster. We'll see. That's about all for today. I have to return to the madness that is Whole Foods the day before Thanksgiving. Wish me luck. Only four more hours to go.

A quick update

2006-10-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've got a quick moment before work to update on the events of the last few weeks. I'm now employed fulltime at Whole Foods. It is far from my dream job so far. The work is super easy and my coworkers are friendly, but I'm working nights and don't have much time to enjoy life. There is supposed be a position open during the day as a supervisor, but they don't seem to be hurrying to fill it. It is a relief to be earning money again. We now are feeling like we can spend money on the great things Chicago has to offer and hopefully we will start to feel at home here soon. We still miss Grand Rapids a lot. We should be visiting soon.

Another week on the couch

2006-09-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well...I know that on my last post, I shared that I have found a job. Unfortunately, it seems to take forever for Whole Foods to complete a background check so that I can start working soon. It has been a full week since I was "hired", but I have not received any word on when I will actually be able to start working. I think that I will be calling the HR department to see if I can speed things up a little.

I did not fully anticipate the depression that would accompany a week of employment as a "stay-at-home-wife". I wake up every morning at 7:30 to eat breakfast with Kevin, pack his lunch and see him off to work. I then get in the shower and start an extended ritual for getting ready for the day. I now have time to let my hair air-dry while I drink coffee and read or watch Oprah. I take an hour every day to tidy up the apartment and do some dishes, followed by several more hours of reading until Kevin comes home and I make dinner. I've discovered just how much I resented the fact that as a child I watched my mom do the same things for my dad and us kids. I know that for her she considered it her job, but even after she went back to work full-time she continued to slave away at these tasks for people entirely capable of doing it themselves. I used to see myself as fairly co-dependent. I thought I needed to be needed, but now I fear that dependence. I guess I'm realizing that I don't want my daily life to be made important only by someone else needing me. Or maybe, I just need to start working.

Employment is bliss

2006-09-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update. I finally found a job. The "finally" in that sentence may sound a little rediculous considering I've only been looking for three and a half weeks, but it feels like it as been an eternity. I don't do well with boredom. I like to be busy and I like to feel productive and playing housewife wasn't doing it for me. After a string of interviews were I was offered $7-$8 an hour, I landed a job at Whole Foods. I'm not sure yet how I feel about working for a big corporation, but at least its one that I think I can support. I was hired for a counter position in the bakery (basically entry level), but they told me another position for Pastry Supervisor will be posted next week and I'm probably qualified for it so they want me to apply for it after my backround check is complete.

Our move to Chicago has been more difficult emotionally than I was prepared for, and getting this job is a welcome respite from depression and disappointment. We've been staying in every night to save money until we know when our next paychecks will be. This has made us feel like we lost a lot when we left Grand Rapids, although we really wouldn't have gone out much more than we are now simply because there was nothing to do. The homesickness has been worsening with each passing week because our time in Chicago has felt more like an extended vacation than starting a new life. I know this will all change with time, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with now. We don't regret moving, but we are ready to start really living in Chicago.

Chicago

2006-08-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well, we're two weeks into life in Chicago and we're getting bored/anxious. I think that I expected to have much better luck in finding work here. But it turns out that I either need to be willing to work for $8/hr or work 60+ hours a week at night, neither of which I want to do. I've been applying to jobs that I see when I think there is a chance that I might qualify for the work. We are far from a desperate situation, but I don't know how much more I can take of day time television and small trips away from the apartment just to feel a little busy. My current plan is to continue to look for kitchen work while at the same time start to brush up my computer skills in case I need to find a temp position. I will say that I'm glad that I have my bachelor's degree and don't have to settle for measely pay in a demeaning environment.

I don't mean to sound so negative in my first post from Chicago, but I'm finding it more and more difficult the approach each day with a positive attitude. On the bright side, our apartment is almost done being painted, so we can finally organize our life. And the delay in the preparation of the apartment saved us half a month's rent. We have been enjoying the city for the most part, although we do feel a bit like we are on an extended vacation. We've ridden our bikes to Millenium Park and walked to the North Ave. Beach and seen the Art Insitute twice (thanks to free passes from the public library). We love our neighborhood and are starting to like our apartment. I've been through all this before when I moved to San Francisco and I just need to keep reminding myself that it all takes time, but we will love this city and our lives in it eventually.

It's been quite cold and rainy here for the past couple of days, but it looks like the weather will let up today and we may be able to enjoy some time outside.

This is enough for now. I will try to post more regulary, but it is hard when we don't have internet access yet. Thank God for the library.

A day of rest

2006-07-28T05:57:00.001-07:00

Kevin and I are back from Vermont. We had a great trip, but I went by way too fast. My dad's side of the family is from Massachusetts, so I don't get to see them very often. For as long as I can remember, we have gotten together once every other year for a camping trip in various places. This year was a special occasion. My opa and oma (grandpa and grandma in Dutch) were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to get condos for everyone to come and stay with them in Vermont for a week. Kevin fit in very well, much to my relief. He doesn't get along well with his family, so the thought of dragging him along to spend a week with my family made me a little nervous. My fears were unfounded.

We are home for today to do some laundry, cash our pay checks, and clean the apartment.
Tomorrow we go to Chicago for a couple of days for the Pitchfork music festival. Hopefully the weather cooperates. It's not looking too promising.

Monday we begin our last two weeks of work before we move to Chicago. Yikes...

Step one: find apartment--check

2006-07-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I were finally successful in finding an apartment in Chicago. We compromised a little on our standards for the apartment space in order to be almost exactly where we wanted to be in the city. We will be living in Bucktown very close to the North/Damen/Milwakee intersection for those of you who know Bucktown at all. We found a garden level apartment that is supposedly twice the size of our current apartment, though the layout makes it feel a little cramped. It will be cute once we give it a little love. Plus we have a private patio and a shared backyard. Finding an apartment is exciting, but extremely scary, because now we actually have to leave. I just have to keep reminding both of us that this is the best move for us right now and it is by no means permanent. Chicago is a stepping stone, a resume builder, that will allow us to live where we really want to live in the future. Who knows, maybe we will fall in love with the city and decide to stay longer than we planned.

On an interesting and rather creepy side note. We went to a Jewel Osco by our hotel to by some beer, and when we were checking out, we noticed a little device next to the credit card scanner, called "Touch pay". Apparently, the technology to link your checking account to your finger print now exists. I understand the security benefits behind this technology, but I can't get over how creepy (I think I first called it Orwellian)it is that our checking accounts can be coded into our physical features. We are literally becoming our money. Call me old fashion, but is it really that inconvenient to swipe your debit card and punch in a four-digit code?

Lazy summer days

2006-07-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

This summer is rapidly creeping away. The pace at work become painfully slow. I forgot just how much I hated my job last summer. We have very few customers coming to the restaurant as most of the well-to-do who can afford our food have fled to their summer homes. No customers means no prep work, which is a horrible prospect for an hourly employee. My least favorite task is inventing something to do. I have even started drinking more water, so that I can leave the kitchen more often to use the restroom. Pretty pathetic, but every bathroom trip can mean five minutes out of the kitchen, especially if I get distracted on my way back downstairs (oh yah, did I mention that our kitchen is in the basement of the building?). Lucky for me, deserts have been selling disproportionately high to the number of entrees.

The boredom at work is made much worse by boredome at home. Kevin and I have been trying to save money, so we don't go out very often anymore. This means we spend several nights at home watching uninteresting TV or trying to reignite a love for reading that was extinguished by school. I think that I handle it better than Kevin, probably because he struggles with boredom at work much more than I do. Life will pick up before we know it. We go to Chicago again this weekend to once again look for an apartment. We have a hotel room for Friday night, so hopefully it will feel a little like a romantic get away too. Next week we leave on vacation to Vermont. The time out of the city will do us some good. It is a family reunion for my dad's side of the family who live in Massachusettes. It will be great to see everyone again. I'm sure the week will go by far to quickly.

I'm afraid my boredom has spilled over into my blog. I should just go to bed.

Two roads in a wood, blah, blah, blah...

2006-06-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

Our apartment has been overrun this week by depression, beginning with the alarm sounding in the morning, regarless of how well the previous day ended. Our weekend in Chicago was unsuccessfull. We came and went with no apartment. We did learn more specifically what we are and are not looking for and also that we will not find it on the west side. We are planning a return trip this Saturday because we've been informed that this weekend is pretty much do or die if we want to move in August (that means we may need to rearrange Journeyman plans Erin. I'll email you...).

To further complicate the already palpable anxiety, we found out that a job in urban development is opening up here in GR, which is possibly Kevin's dream job. Unfortunately, the decision about Chicago needs to be made in the very near future. I'm willing to postpone the move for a month so that Kevin can explore this situation further, but I must confess, I'd rather just get the move over with. We are not even sure if he is qualified for the position at all, or exactly what they are looking for in the next candidate. The job is on the sixth floor of the building I work in, so I'm planning some sluthing today to find out more information.

This sounds terribly cliche, and I'm slightly worried that this is how my mind chose to process these emotions, but this morning I was thinking about Robert Frost's two roads poem. I would be content if "somewhere ages, and ages hence" I could look back on whatever decision we make with at least a sigh and convince myself that it was indeed the right path to take. Years ago I would have prayed and asked God to show me our calling in life, and then at least I would have had him or her to blame for not telling us which way to go. But since I have prayed in while and no longer believe in callings or in predestination, the decision is up to us. I'm just getting tired of staring at the fork in the road.

Erotic photo hunt

2006-06-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Last night at the Sand Bar with Peter and Erin, I desperately wanted to post on my blog, but this morning, sitting before my computer, I can think of nothing to write. It is amazing how important dominating the top ten high scores of erotic photo hunt with a group of good friend can seem at the moment of victory and how quickly the feat deflates the morning after.

Last week was a very rough week. I spent numerous hours preparing food for 200 people for the LeGrand campaign fundraiser. All the work paid off and the food was a hit. Everything looked and tasted great and was ready on time. I must say that I'm relieved to have it all over with. It was the biggest gift that I could give to the campaign and now I don't feel as bad about Kevin and I leaving in July.

Speaking of the move, Kevin has recently lost all his confidence in our ability to do well in Chicago. He has a tendency to want to back out of all big commitment. I think that he second guesses himself too many times and convinces himself that he simply can't do it and would be happier if things didn't change at all. I love him very much, but this is one of the most frustrating aspects of his personality. Knowing his tendency to do this makes me less and less willing to ride the emotional roller coaster with him, but at the same time I don't want to undermine his very legitimate concerns by dismissing them as another case of cold feet. He seems to have come back around and is once again enthusiastic about our move. I know that the next several months are going to be very difficult, but I know that the move is best for us in the long run.

Woody Allen owes me two hours of my life back

2006-06-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I just finished watching Matchpoint, the latest Woody Allen film, and I demand that he repay me for the two hours I wasted on that aweful excuse for a movie. It has been a long time since I've seen a movie that was that poorly acted and written, made only worse by my love for Woody Allen films and the resulting high expectations. I should know better by now, as it has been a while since he's produced a worth while film, but this was inexcusable. Someone needs to let him know that an upperclass, British accent and good looking characters will not hide the fact that his movie sucked.

I'm done ranting now. As may be blatently evident in the previous paragraph, life has stagnated since we decided to move to Chicago. In a couple of weeks we will go to look at apartments and then maybe the whole thing will feel much more real to me. Kevin has become a lot more positive (meaning he has set aside much of his worrying) since he visited the career office at Calvin and his advisor assured him he would be ok.

Aside from the move and sucky movies, not much else is new. We've started taking karate lessons from one of our friends. It has been quite fun, although much more frustrating than any form of exercise I've tried thus far. It requires much more discipline of the mind than I anticipated, though I think this is good, since my brain is developing rust spots now that I'm done with school. It is a great work out and something fun Kevin and I can do together.

I have to go to bed now. My husband keeps making vague references to the comic book guy on the Simpsons and comparing my reaction to Matchpoint with his reaction to a Star Wars-like movie ("Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world"). What can I say, it got me to post on my blog.

two months and counting

2006-05-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I had a great holiday weekend. I was sick from Friday to Sunday, but felt great on Monday in time to go to the beach. I couldn't resist going out on Saturday night with my sister, Jessica, just back from Rome. Unfortunately, the evening ended with a vague memory of weeping on the bathroom floor from a drunkeness induced by the very bad mixture of liquor with cold pills. The good news is I didn't drink enough to have a hangover the next morning.

The weekend was a welcome respite from the agony of work and family obligations. It seems that the closer we get to our moving date, the more I hate my current job. Everyone I work will has become growingly disgruntled and the misery spreads like a wildfire, so even if I go to work in a good mood, it is long gone after fifteen minutes. On top of work, we seem to have a lot of family obligations lately. Wednesday night, we went to my brother's highschool graduation. I hadn't realized until then just how different I am from how I was in highschool. Every phrase uttered at the graduation had something to do with predestination, God's will, or Jesus' constant presence. It revealed to me how dogmatic my education actually was. The most painful part of the evening was knowing from personal experience the agony that awaits many of the graduates as their faith dies and they realize they were never given any alternatives to fall back on. Maybe the whole evening seemed worse than it was because I was jealous of the faith/naivity it takes to believe what I used to believe.

Tonight is not looking like much fun. Some food I made seems to have given Kevin a bad bout of food poisoning. It must have turned overnight, because we both ate it yesterday and were fine, but only Kevin had it again today. If only our bathroom were bigger, so Kevin could set up a little rest area near the toilet. Between my drunken episode on Saturday and Kevin's illness today, our bathroom has become the most used room in the apartment.

And two weeks later...

2006-05-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

My biggest fear in starting this blog was that I would not update as frequently as I should. Perhaps it was a self-fulfilling fear. My apologies for my neglectfulness. It is not that life has been boring and I have nothing to post about. I think that I am in denial about just how quickly life is flying by. On Tuesday, Kevin and I will have been married for a full year. An anniversary is nothing new to us. We've been together for over five years, but somehow our first wedding anniversary seems much more monumental. Perhaps we were expecting to have accomplished more in that year than we did. We are both working jobs that do not fully utilize all our talents and we are still in Grand Rapids. But all that could change in the near future. We have decided to pack up and move to Chicago at the end of July. We went for a visit yesterday to scope out the neighborhoods and see some friends. We both agree that Bucktown/Wicker Park was the winner. We will most likely concentrate our search for apartments in that neighborhood and in Lincoln Park. We have to go back next month for a wedding, so we will set up an appointment with Chicago Apartment Finders then and could very well sign a lease that day.

I'm very excited about the change, but at the same time I'm incredibally nervous. We are going without jobs, so that our actual job search will be much easier because we will be immediately available for employment. I'm fairly certain that I will be able to find a job right away, given my restaurant experience, but this is a good opportunity for me to move my career out of the kitchen if I want to. The next two months hold some big decisions, but at least we're doing something to follow our dream of moving out of West Michigan.

The animal rights game

2006-05-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

While, I've done it. I'm officially a college graduate. I'm not sure how I feel about this. At least I don't have the added pressure of finding a job with my virtually useless degree (bachelor of arts in behavioral sciences with an emphasis in sociology) as I am already employed as a pastry chef. I can't see myself continuing this career forever, but it is relatively easy to remain employed in the restaurant industry, so I can always fall back on it.

Last night, Kevin and I tried to watch a movie called Earthlings, a vegan propaganda movie. We only watched about ten minutes before turning it off because it was so visually repulsive. I cannot play the animal rights game. There is something inherantly unnatural about it all to me. Biologically speaking, we are superior to much of the meat that is consumed in the US, meaning we rank higher in the food chain. Though I choose not to eat meat because I think that Americans consume too much,enouraging in the unsafe and unsanitary production methods of the meat industry, I cannot support the claim that all species are equal. I find it especially morally reprehensible that meat production in the US is compared to the Holocaust or to slavery. The movie introduced the term speciesism (the belief that one species is superior to another) in the same breath as racism and sexism. As a behavioral scientist with a specialization in sociology, I must object.

I believe that evolution is a powerful force in nature and in society. The number one guiding goal of nature and its evolution is the survival of the species. That is why animals hunt and kill. It is the reason for elaborate displays of sexual prowess that are universal to nearly every species. The survival of multiple species requires a delicate balance of give and take, of life and death. Thus the food chain, or better stated, the food cycle. Claiming that all species are "equal" violates this biological principle. Humans will eat chickens, just a a lion would eat a human if necessary for their survival.

Based on these same biological principles, racism and sexism are much more unnatural in that they threaten the survival of the species by discriminating against characteristics in members of the species that are not pertinent to survival. Humans are one of very few species that prey on their fellow members. I recognize that our knowledge of our own existence places us in a precarious positon. We have conquered the natural order of the food chain and manipulated our natural enviornment. And, yes, I believe that this places on us a moral obligation to regulate our consumption and not abuse the knowledge we have. But I believe that we will find our environment regulating us better than we can ever regulate ourselve.

I don't mean to rant, but I could not take the disrespect of some of the most horrendous events in human history just so a few more people will give up meat. Something tells me that even a vegan would eat meat if his or her survival were in question.

Tofu, the wonder meat

2006-04-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the last night of our vegan trial week, and yes, my shopping trip yesterday brought dairy back to our fridge. One good thing did come of our vegan experience. I have been trying for four years, since I first gave up meat to come up with an acceptable substitute for taco meat (the key component to my favorite childhood meal). Tonight I found it. Due to a suggestion in Vegan Planet (a wonderful vegan cookbook) I tried freezing and then thawing tofu so that it would crumble. I added some salsa, chili powder, cumin, pinto beans, salt and pepper and poof, it was taco night at our house. Though we don't have plans for becoming vegan, our experiment did indeed yield a new appreciation for tofu.

Operation Vegan: a miserable failure

2006-04-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Perhaps some of you read on Kevin's blog that we decided to try a week as vegans to see just how we would feel and how easily the switch could be made. I began by looking over all of the meals that we eat on a regular basis and discovered that half of them were vegan anyway. I took this as an encouraging sign, but my enthusiasm was quickly deflated. The experiment began on the night of farms without harm at Wealthy Street Theatre. I was expecting to be inspired, but instead I felt crushed. The panel turned out to be a group of dairy and animal farmers who encourage consuming organic meat and not so much produce. Basically, it was the exact opposite of what I expected/needed. I spent the rest of the evening shedding tears of frustration and defeat. It seems no matter how radical my actions, I just can't win. That night began a loosing battle toward becoming vegan.

It is not that I can't cook vegan, or run out of ideas for new meals. Our major hurtle was the emotional trama of revamping our diet, which turned out to be a major piece of our sense of self. We want very badly to be more passionate about the change, and maybe what we need is a healthy dose of propaganda, but frankly, we lack the drive to overcome the difficult transition. During dinner last night (pan-seared seitan with cremini mushroom and redwine sauce served over thyme mashed potatoes with brocolli) we came to the conclusion that the pure veganism is not for us. We gave up milk and eggs a long time ago, but cheese is going to stay. We will eat it less often and buy the organic variety, but it will remain in our diet. We are going to finish out our trial week. We are pretty good at fulfilling personal goals, so until Wednesday, we will maintain a dairy free diet. But all in all, operation vegan was a miserable failure.

A better me than me

2006-04-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful evening last night, taking in the spring air on a porch in Eastown with friends. It was a good time, with good weather, good beer, and good people. Kevin and I have been struggling lately with the debate over whether to go vegan or not. We've stopped drinking milk and very rarely buy eggs, but we are still hooked on cheese. We had a long talk with a vegan philosopher and since have been more dedicated to the change. I love getting together with friends and meeting new people, but I feel often like I try to be an exagurated version of myself, emphazizing the parts of my identity I am particularly proud of but that I know I could be doing much better. And lately, I seem to be meeting a lot of people who are performing the role of my exagurated self much better than I am. Even in the moments when I feel that I am having a meaningful and honest conversation with another human being, it always seems to fall short of being completely real.

My last research project

2006-04-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm battling to finish the final research project of my undergraduate career and I just can't seem to get motivated. I have to present in a week and the paper is due in two, but I feel like I've barely begun. I always seem to procrastinate, even when I have nothing else going on. I could easily categorize my homework habits as sadistic. Maybe subconsiously I want one more all-nighter before I graduate.

I'm also struggling with the topic matter of my project. I chose to research consciencious consumption as a means of protest against globalization--a matter very dear to my heart. However, the more I research, the guiltier I feel about the short-comings in my own consumption patterns. But knowledge is power, right?

You may examine my vagina but don't touch my hair

2006-03-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

I made an appointment today for my annual gynechological examination. I was very disappointed to learn that the woman who had done my exams in the past was no longer employed at my doctor's office and the other doctor's were booked into next year. I ended up making my appointment with the new male physicians assistant. I'm slightly concerned that being examined by a man in my nether regions will cause me to be nervous, greatly increasing the pain of the procedure. But tonight over coffee with my cousin, I realized that I was much more nervous at my last hair cut when I found out that the stylist was a man (and a straight one to boot) than I am about my up coming appointment. I'm not sure what to think about myself after the realization that I would rather have a man examine my vagina than cut my hair.

Thank god I'm not that guy!

2006-03-18T22:15:00.000-08:00

I've just returned from the silver derby, only the finest of Grand Rapids establishments. I'd like to thank my guests for the evening for a wonderful time, as they are the only ones with my blog url (a drunken mistake). A gentleman, who clearly had too much to drink, decided to join our conversation by sitting at the end of our table and declaring he wasn't well, followed by promptly passing out. I would like to thank him for taking the honerary title of the evening as "that guy", preventing me from having the title of "that girl". It takes a brave man to know just when you've had enough to pass out at someone else's table. Kudos to him, and best of luck in the morning.

A mother's remedy

2006-03-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

I long, as I'm sure many bloggers do, to one day write and publish a book. Unfortunately, I lack an interesting past to pour into a memoir capable of moving the masses, nor do I have substantial knowledge on any topic to compose a non-fiction book. So I turn to blogging, under immense pressure from friends and family to "get with the times", though I'm already several years late.

It occurred to me last night as I drifted off to sleep (coincidently this is also the time I am plagued by the urge to write but am often too tired to do so) that if I ever were to write my memoir, it would have to be printed on sand paper to properly convey the almost physical pain of dredging up my past. I think that it would be easier to have an extraordinarily fucked up life story so that I would be unable to continue on living without first dealing with the past. Rather, I'm left with a series of memories, most just snippets of complex emotions tied to a vague physical actions that are easier to repress than to recall and process.. For example...

I vividly recall my first, truly malicious action against another human being. I was problably six or seven and on a camping trip with my family. I was playing with two girls that I had met at the campground. We were playing with some golf clubs in an open field behind the playground, when I accidently hit one of the girls in the head on my backswing. I felt horrible, but at the same time empowered. For the first time, I knew I had power in the act of inflicting pain on someone else and I didn't want to loose it. After returning the injured girl to her mother, her sister and I returned to the field to play some more. The grass had just been mowed and there were piles of loose grass everywhere. We decided to make a game of throwing handfuls of grass at eachother. To make the game more efficient, we took a break to stock pile our arcinol before the next round. I found a golf ball in the grass from earlier in the afternoon. Rather than setting it aside, I hid it under one of the clumps of dried grass, pretending it ended up there by accident. When the great grass battle resumed, my sense of power increased as I approached the pile containing the forbidden weapon. The added weight of the golf ball in my hand sank to the depths of my conscience. As I threw it, I instantly regretted it, knowing it would require a string of lies to explain how another of my friends was injured while playing with me and the egg-sized bump on her head was an accident. I maintained my innocence until later that afternoon when I could bear the guilt no more. I confessed to my mom, that I had thrown the golf ball on purpose. She immediately took me over to the picinic table and looked me in the eye and said it was ok, my blood sugar must just be low. She made me a plate of scrambled eggs and a glass of orange juice to correct the problem.

This punishment of complete trust in my childish innocence kept me from rebelling until college. But they don't make therapy strong enought to deal with that emotional trama.